Why waiting for Them to change might be holding You back
Have you ever had a memory flashback that makes you physically wince? One of those moments where you remember something you said or did, and you cringe at how you handled it? I’ve had plenty of those moments over the years, especially when I think back to how I showed up while my loved one was trying to make positive changes, moving from active problematic behaviour in active addiction to sobriety and then recovery.
I can now see how, without realising it, I sometimes sabotaged his progress. I was angry. I was exhausted. And in my frustration, I got caught in the trap of believing that once he got sober, everything would fall into place. That if he just did the right things, if he took recovery seriously, our life would finally feel stable and whole again.
But here’s the hard truth: sobriety isn’t a silver bullet. It doesn’t magically fix everything. It isn’t “it”
The belief that keeps us stuck
If you’re holding your breath, waiting for your loved one to get sober—believing that when they do, everything will finally be okay—you’re not alone. I used to think the same way. I told myself that if only he would change, then I could finally breathe, relax, and feel safe again.
But what I didn’t realize at the time was that I was putting my own healing on hold. I was waiting for his recovery to lead mine, as if everything depended on him. And when that didn’t happen the way I expected, the resentment, exhaustion, and disappointment hit even harder.
The hidden ways we might be hindering Their recovery
I wish someone had told me this sooner: The way we show up in our loved one’s recovery matters.
I unknowingly sabotaged his steps forward by clinging to my beliefs about what he should be doing, where he should be in recovery, and how I thought this process was supposed to go. I held onto expectations that weren’t based in reality, and in doing so, I added pressure, tension, and sometimes even doubt to his journey.
It makes sense, though. When we don’t have the tools or understanding, we act from fear, from exhaustion, from a place of survival.
Why sobriety alone isn’t enough
I’ve seen so many women (my past self included) believe that the real work starts after their partner gets sober. But the truth is, by the time sobriety happens, there’s often a whole new set of struggles. Years of pain, unspoken hurts, emotional distance, and old patterns don’t just disappear with sobriety. In fact, they can feel even more pronounced when there are no longer substances covering them up.
So, what happens then? We find ourselves stuck again, just in a different way—trying to ‘catch up’ to their recovery while still feeling lost in our own experience.
My only regret? That I didn’t get the right support for myself sooner. That I didn’t realise how much better things could have been for me, my little ones, and my relationship if I had started working on my own healing alongside his recovery journey.
A conversation that I wish I had heard years ago
This is why I recorded a podcast episode about this exact topic—because I know firsthand what it’s like to feel trapped in this cycle. In this episode, I talk about:
Why waiting for them to change can actually hurt your relationship long-term
The hidden ways you might be hindering recovery without realizing it
Why sobriety isn’t a silver bullet for relationship healing
The cost of waiting for them to change before you start your own growth
If any of this is hitting home for you, I’d love for you to listen to the podcast. Grab a coffee (or take me on your next walk), and let’s dive in together.
Episode 26 - listen on Apple Podcasts, spotify, or where ever you tune in to your podcasts.
I’m glad you’re here.
My name is Amanda, I’m a former corporate accountant, now Addiction Relationship Coach, International Speaker and Podcast Host.
I give spouses and families the tools and strategies to get back to living their great life when they have a loved on struggling with addiction, and to then lean in and support, encourage and inspire their loved one to do the same in a healthy way.
Change is possible, it starts with you and you can lead the way.
For you and your family.
Book in a friendly chat and I’ll make some recommendations on how we can work together.